The Rabbit Hole

~BLACK COFFEE~

 

I love days like these. Nothing but soft soothing music, the rain pelting on the window of the coffee shop I sat in, and a black coffee in hand. I glanced out the window longingly. I reflected on my life with Jonathan. He was standing in the rain under a canopy of trees a short distance away.  He looked at the coffin bearers as they carried the casket towards the grave site to the song ‘Bitter Sweet Symphony’ by The Verve. He didn’t come any closer just stood where he was as the rain came down harder. The audience had their umbrellas open as they watched as the casket was placed in the waiting hole on the belt to be lowered into the ground. It wasn’t my job to know who was being buried, but it was my job to assist with whatever they needed for the funeral and reception. I was the assistant funeral director, only there to supervise the carrying out of the service. I glanced towards the bearers as they stepped away from the casket and walked back to their designated position. They watched they priest intently as he said a few words in prayer. I looked back towards the tree but he was gone. I paid more attention to the words that were being said and a tribute song ‘Run’ in the style of Leona Lewis by the deceased’s best friend. There was not a dry eye standing around the casket with the exception of mine. As an AFD, we are told never to get emotionally involved in this line of work because it only makes things more difficult than it has to be. A few more words were spoken then the casket was lowered into the ground to the song of ‘In The Arms Of The Angel’ by Sarah McLachlan. When the service was over they all got into designated car and drove to the hall for the reception where a few more words were said and they all ate. I was getting some pastries out the fridge as I took a quick glance out the window to see if the rain hd let up but there he stood again outside under an evergreen tree staring at the house, still dripping from the rain.

“Well, at least I know it’s still raining” I said to no one in particular. Then I looked back out the window and he was still there.

“At least he was consistent this time”

His lips appeared to curl into a smile as if he heard me and was amused, but I knew that was impossible. I couldn’t help but smile back at him. I wondered why he didn’t come inside but I didn’t dwell on the thought too long as the Funeral Director entered the kitchen to lend a hand. I gave her feedback on the ceremony as we were alone and could discuss this quietly without being overheard by the family members. We brought the trays of pastries out to serve and made sure there was nothing lacking. We finished up and started bringing back the trays to the kitchen as the people left. I didn’t see Mr. Mystery for the rest of the time there. I drove home to freshen up before heading to my next job. I was a waitress at a local lounge not too fancy. I waited more tables than I can count tonight, sucks being short staffed but that’s the way it is sometimes. As I walked back to my car after finishing me shift there he was, leaning against my car; at least this time he wasn’t soaking wet. He looked me over and smiled as if he had seen an angel for the first time. We stood like that staring at each other with a smile on each of our faces, no one saying anything. I finally broke the silence.

“Hey” I said.

“hey” he responded.

He seemed to blush at the sight of me. He stepped closer towards me. I was transfixed by his stare. He looked so cool and confident yet shy at the same time. He was more attractive this close to me, not that I could see his features that well when he was standing under the canopy in the rain. From his chiseled perfectly unflawed face to his perfectly sculpted body, he was in a single word perfection. I know it seems to good to be true, but there he stood in front of me. I guess this is what they mean by love at first site. I just felt so drawn to him like I’ve never been to any other man before. He placed his arms around my waist and pulled me closer towards him. He was clad in a black leather jacket and dark jeans with a white tee beneath. His dark hair was almost touching his shoulder. He stared into my brown eyes with his piercing blue ones as he leaned forward and kissed me. He gripped me tighter as if I was his only lifeline left in the world as he deepened the kiss. I pulled back and stared at him.

“I’m Anabelle” I introduced myself

“I’m Jonathan, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you without just exchanging smiles from windows”he said while smiling at me. I smiled back at him

“yes, indeed it is.” I said.

“Would you like to go for a coffee?” Jonathan asked me

“let’s get out of here” I said in response.

“I know the perfect place” he said as we got in the car

We drove around town for a few miles and arrived at a little coffee shop just a little out of town. I must admit, I was a little skeptical with the coffee suggestion, thinking the only place open would be the generic 24 hour Tim Hortons two blocks from here. Not that I don’t love their coffee, with their different coffees and such. But there was something about this place that was different than all the other coffee shops that I’ve been to. It was old school, and I loved that about it. We walked inside hand in hand and took a booth that had window looking outside. He ordered a black coffee for himself and ordered a chocolate coffee for me; an invention I’ve never heard of before. I must say it tasted quite amazing, unlike anything I’ve ever tasted; cocoa beans blended with coffee beans and a hint of vanilla. He went on to tell me that they didn’t make these types of drinks anywhere but this exact location anymore. We ordered a scone to go with the drinks. By the time we were done it was 3am in the morning. I took him home with me where spent the night. We talked about everything and nothing until we both fell asleep in each others arm. I woke up to an empty bed but not forgetting the night before. I guess he took off before he felt like I would regret last night. The funny thing was that I regret nothing about the night before. All I had to go off was his name and his appearance. I just hoped that I ran into him again. I looked at the time as my radio alarm and my phone went off.

“Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey” the voice greeted me on the other end of the line when I answered my phone. It was my best friend Jennique.

“It’s too early for this” I replied groaning

“Too early as in 11 am when the day’s almost done?” she asked ” you know, you’re missing all the hot guys out here right now right? And when I say hot guys, I mean with like triple t’s and a hole lot of z’s” she said smacking her lips and popping her gum. She’s always got something in her mouth. If it’s not a lollipop its some concoction of her own design.

“I don’t need hot guys Jenn” I told her

“Right and I don’t need my candy fix everyday, btw hun, I’m coming in” she said

At that my door flung open and she strolled towards the curtain and threw them wide open.

“Get your ass out of this bed right now woman” she looked me over. “you look different…” She said again. She had her hands on her hips and walked to the other side of the bed staring at me. One of those ‘I know you have a secret and I’m going to find it out’ type of looks. I cowered beneath my blanket and if it was a shield and it could protect me. Of course I couldn’t have been more wrong. She yanked the sheets off me as a tried to put a death grip to hold on. Now it turned into a tug-o-war as she yanked so hard I fell off the bed.

She started laughing at me as she said “that’s what you get trying to hide from me”

I started laughing at her failed attempt of Dexter from Dexter’s Laboratory. We both ended up on the floor laughing at each other until our sides hurt. I finally gave in and got up. We left the apartment 20 minutes later. We walked to the coffee shop around the corner and as I was about place my order, I remembered the night before and missed my chocolate coffee. I smiled at myself and settled on a Hot Chocolate with an Espresso shot. It was not even relatively close to what I actually had that night. Jenn was watching me intently and I knew she could tell that something was up. She ordered a French Vanilla and steered me to the farthest table and sat down eagerly.

“Spill everything, Now!” She ordered me.

“But I just bought this, I haven’t even had a sip yet” I said to her bewildered.

She shook her head and sighed exasperated.

“You know exactly what I mean. Come on girl, I know you, and that smile you tried to hide back there uh uh. You hooking up with the barista? You’re so above girl, not judging or anything, do got yours and I got mine” she kept talking as she tried to figure the smile out. Sometimes it was best to let her keep talking. I glanced over at the barista and there he stood, placing an order. At least it looked like him from the back. He turned around and spotted me. He lifted his coffee to me and smiled. I glanced back down at my Hot Chocolate and saw Jenn staring at me with an ‘I caught you red-handed stare’. She spun around so fast her French Vanilla almost spilled, but by the time her gaze tried the find the barista, she was dealing with someone else. She turned back around and looked at me wearing a coy smile.

“You know I’m going to figure this out whether you tell me or not” she said to me.

“I know, and I’ll have fun watching you try” I replied as I smiled at her.

I glanced out the window sipping on my Hot Chocolate satisfied that I got to see him again. I smiled at myself knowing that everything was going to be alright now that he was still in the city. The music that was playing overhead was so soothing I hadn’t realized that Jenn got up. I looked around for her and saw her talking to the barista. The barista looked over at me and blushed as if she was embarrassed. I abandoned my drink and went over to her, eyeing Jenn suspiciously. The barista couldn’t even look at me, she was blushing so hard.

“um…I’m really flattered…um….that you…” She tried to finish her sentence but couldn’t, she tried again. ” I’m really flattered that you…I can’t do this, I’m sorry.” She said finally looking  up at me. “Your friend told me that you like me, I’m…I like guys, like lots of guys—not all at once, but lots of them, I’m really flattered though” she said looking at me hoping she didn’t just hurt my feelings. I must say that I was a bit stumped. I’m pretty sure that my mouth was hanging open. I looked over at Jenn bewildered. She smiled at me satisfied with her arms across her chest. I closed my mouth and took a step back and started laughing. They looked at each other confused, but I just couldn’t stop laughing. I laughed so hard it brought tears to my eyes. When I finally caught my breath I told the barista not to worry, no harm was done. With that I walked back to finish my almost cold Hot Chocolate. Jenn came and sat down her drink now finished.

“Are you ok?” She asked me, now looking concerned

I looked at her and smiled. “I’ve never been more ok, thanks”

I’m pretty sure that she didn’t believe me but she seemed a bit more relaxed. We spent the balance of the day window shopping as she talked about her last fling.

“Hey, that’s Markus. You know, my number 4?” She said seductively tracing circles on my arm.

“Go, I’ll catch you later, I’m just going to head home anyway” I told her. She gave me a quick hug and kiss on the cheek before walking away.

“Hey, Markus sweetheart, wait up” she said sashaying to catch up with him.

I watched her and shook my head as she looked back at me and winked. I knew what that meant. She’s got a long night and not a minute to lose. I smiled at walked in the direction of my apartment. By the time I got in and closed the door behind me it was 9:15. I undresed and ran the bath water. I added bath salts and scented bath out to the water. I lit some candles and placed them on the floor before turning off the tap. I walked to the kitchen and poured a glass of champagne, bringing it back to the bathroom with me along with the bottle. 5 minutes hadn’t passed when there was a knock on the door.

“It’s open” I yelled. I guess Jenn decided to come over instead of having a wild night. “Please lock the door behind you, you left it wide open the last time you did this.” I yelled again.

I smelt the cologne before I saw him. The familiarity of him made my core melt. He walked in the bathroom stark naked.

“Do you mind if I join you?” He asked me looking expectant and longingly.

“Please” I said unable to say anything more.

If I said his body was perfection before, now standing in front of me, watching me, I was transfixed. He climbed in next to me and took the champagne flute from my hand as he took a sip, never taking his eyes off me. He placed in on the ground making sure not to disturb any of the candles close to the tub. He came closer to me and leaned in, in an embrace. He then looked into my eyes as held my neck and began to kiss me. I closed my eyes and breathed in his perfect scent as the kiss deepened. He lowered his hand so that he was caressing my lower back. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he lifted me from the tub and went to the bedroom. He gentle laid me on the bed and he untangled himself from me and just looked at me. I noticed then the red rose petals that were on the bed. He walked over to the stereo and turned it on. The room was filled with Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing”. He came over to me and caressed my face as he trailed kisses all down my thighs. He turned me over on my stomach and trailed kisses all along my spine, before turning me on my back and looked into my eyes. I reached for his neck and brought his lips down to mine. That night we forgot everything that made us human. We forgot what it was to breathe, to eat, to sleep. There was just us. Nothing else. He pulled away from me long enough to whisper in my ear.

“I love you” he said. I looked at him as I released everything I had, no longer holding back.

“I love you” I said back to him.

There was nothing more left of us. We fell asleep intertwined trying to stay awake not wanting what we had to be separated by the Sun. I eventually fell only to be woken a few hours later alone in the bed. He was gone again and that was to be expected. I glanced over at the clock; 7:15. I laid in bed, relishing the mere moments before. My hands caressed my face just as his did and roamed over my entire body. I craved him in his entirety. I was in love with him, I couldn’t help smiling at myself. I started laughing out loud at the joy I felt knowing that there was him and only him. I wanted to scream it to the world, but stopped at the pounding on my door. I gathered the sheets around me and went to answer it.

“Well damn hunny, you don’t waste time do you?” It was Jenn

“Why are you pounding my door down, besides don’t you have a key?” I asked her

I wobbled back to the bed and plopped down and she followed suit, closing the door behind her.

“Okay, now you have absolutely no excuse. I see you’re unarmed by your get-up” she chuckled and pointed at me quoting one of her favourite lines from Charlie’s Angels. I took a stack of papers that were trapped in the sheet and threw them at her as she yelped and dodged them.

“That’s where you my friend were wrong” I said while laughing. She jumped on the bed and pulled me backwards on the bed. Now we were both staring at each other.

“Come on, you shouldn’t keep me in the dark here” she said pouting at me. “I told you about all of mine” she continued.

“I know, and sometimes I wish that you didn’t. Half of them are jerks” I told her as she shrugged.

“What can I say, I got a thing for assholes sometimes.” She said looking at me.

We both laughed

“But Jenn, come on, be serious.” I said to her.

“Have you heard about the one where one girl said to the other, be serious and stop being so wild and the other girl said, lets party?” She replied rolling onto her stomach still looking at me smiling. “Sometimes being serious or too serious sucks the fun out of everything. I don’t want to go out that way. I rather go out knowing I lived a full and happy life, having fun. I want you to have fun with me too Belleanas.”

She hadn’t call me that in a really long time; a nickname since childhood that my parents used to call me.

“I know you want me to Jenn, but I don’t know how to not let my seriousness get the better of me. It’s just who I am.” I told her

“I know, and I love you for that. It makes you, you.” She said to me putting a strand of my hair that fell into my face behind my ear.

I looked away from her remembering the night before and felt the urge to tell her everything.

I took a deep breath before I started.

“I met a guy–”

Before I could even finish she started squealing and jumping on the bed.

“I knew it, I knew it, I knew it” She said with each jump.

She finally stopped and settled down sitting crossed legged from me with a pillow in her lap. I joined her in the same position as best as I could considering that I was still wrapped in the sheets.

“Tell me everything, and leave nothing out” she said again in delight.

I told her everything. From how we met to last night. She didn’t speak until I was done.

“We said I love you to each other” I said at last.

“Wait, you did what?!” She asked surprised, that I the serious one would do such a thing. “You did that already? You just met him,” she finished.

“I know” I shrugged “But it just feels so right, like I’ve been waiting for him my entire life. I know it sounds strange but I can feel him, in here” I told her as I placed my hands over my heart.

“I don’t know what to say Belles,” she said now being a little cautious “I’m excited for you”

She reached over to give me a hug. Then she punched me in the arm.

“I can’t believe that you waited this long to tell me” she sighed as she laid back on the bed looking up at me.

“Hey” I said while rubbing her punch away, not that it hurt, “at least I told you” I stuck out my tongue at her.

“True, so how is it that you don’t have work today, for either jobs, Ms. I’m always too busy to hang out with?” She asked me.

“Yeah, about that, well with the bartending gig, I’m on call and they’re cutting massive hours. I’m not the only one though. I feel really bad for the newbies though. With the parlor, they only call me when they need me, or when the head honcho needs some muscles to take the reign” I said while hold up my unformed muscles. We both laughed

“that makes sense, so you get all the hours you can before something like this happens, like permanently.” She said nodding her head.

“Yep” I said.

I got up to get dressed when my phone started ringing.

“You take your call, it’s almost noon now and I should get going, Markus is going to start wondering where I’ve gone off to for so long. I’m really happy for you though Belles, I hope I get to meet him one day”

“Me too Jenn, I’ll see you later” I replied while going for the phone

“Hello” I said into the receiver. It was the funeral parlor. After I hung up with them I got dressed and headed over to the parlor to help with the procession after the service towards the gravesite. This time it was cloudy, like a storm was coming but the sky hadn’t made up its mind yet. Everyone was armed with an umbrella prepared for the downpour from heaven. A blessing to lead the deceased to a better life on the other side. I stood off to the side as everyone stood and the casket was brought forward to the designated site. As if on cue, all the umbrellas went up and the rain started to pour and the tears started to fall. I glanced over at the forest across from us and saw Jonathan. He looked at me and smiled, as he looked at the casket that was now passing in front of me, a sadness passed in front of his face, but it disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared. I looked at the casket to see if something was amiss and by the time I looked back to the forest he was gone. After the service ended, everyone went to the hall to get something to eat when I once again saw him through the kitchen window standing in the rain. I smiled at him and turned away to check the oven and expected him to be gone by the time I looked back through the window. He was still there. Instead of looking at me he looked at the oven behind me and next to it was a note with my name on it.

“My dearest Bells, I can no longer be where you. I wish I had more time to explain. Never forget me, please, Jonathan.” I turned back to the window but he was already gone. I guess he wanted to make sure that I got the note before he left. Maybe he wasn’t coming back this time. I finished up in time and started to hear my name being shouted.

“Anabelle, how the hell could you?!” I was jolted back. Jenn was advancing on me, more furious than I’ve ever seen her.

“Jennique, calm down and tell me what you’re talking about” By this time everyone in the coffee shop was looking at us.

“I will not be calm Anabelle,” she said my name disgusted, raising her voice another octave. “You’re a murderer, and you thought you could cover it up. I thought you were better than that” she accused me on the verge of tears. “How could you love someone one day and kill them the next, I thought we were best friends?” She finished now sobbing.

With all eyes on me now, I gently places my untouched coffee on the table in front of me.

“Jenn, who did I murder, exactly?” I asked her a bit skeptical as to who we were talking about.

“Jonathan !!!, you killed Jonathan” She said looking at me as if I sprouted a second head.

I looked down at my untouched coffee my heart feeling heavier than it had been in a long time. It had been not that long ago with Jonathan. I looked back  up at her and held her hands in mine. The coffee shop was completely silent waiting on my next words.

“Jenn, how can I kill someone that never existed?” I asked her

She stared at me in disbelief.

“No, he was real, you told me about him, I saw him” she said standing up so fast that the chair she was on tipped over.

“Come with me” I said to her.

My coffee now forgotten, I drove to the cemetery and went to the final tombstone just put in from the last service I oversaw. There carved in the stone were the words: Here lies Jonathan Lagrveria 1997-2028, Remember Me Bells. Beneath it was a picture of him smiling at the camera. My Jonathan. I tried to swallow past the lump in my throat but couldn’t. Today makes 3 years since his death.